In an article for Time Magazine, Amy Sullivan writes of meeting a survivor of the Rwanda genocide named Chantale Ukebereyinfura. It was 2006 and the man who had killed Chantale’s father had approached Chantale, begging for her forgiveness. Chantale had refused it, basically saying that whether she forgave the man or not, it would not take away her pain.
But three years later, Sullivan writes of seeing Chantale again and this time Chantale and the man were seated on a bench together. Chantale had decided to forgive him, and when he took her hand, there on the bench, she didn’t recoil, she didn’t run away.
Instead, she smiled.
Sullivan writes that the act of forgiveness had transformed Chantale.
But how do we forgive? Let’s face it. It’s hard to forgive the little things, the slights that we hold onto some days for no good reason, how in the world do we pull off what Chantale did? How do we forgive murder, abuse, or betrayal? How do we let go of pain that has bedded down in our soul?
The Bible is frustratingly clear on the subject. Luke 6:27 says, “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”
Here’s how I’ve tried to work it out for myself. First, I’ve admitted to myself that forgiving someone is not just something you say with words, it’s an action and sometimes it’s a repeated action. Sometimes forgiving someone is not something you say once, sometimes, it is something you say repeatedly every day, throughout the day, and honestly, sometimes true forgiveness takes years.
Sometimes true forgiveness may take a lifetime.
I used to get discouraged with myself if I couldn’t forgive someone right away, like it was a failing on my part. Why couldn’t I let go? So, I started praying, asking for God’s help. Just working toward forgiveness, just being in the process of forgiving was enough to get me by until I could heal enough for God to take me the rest of the way.
But what if you don’t want to forgive? What if the pain is too great and like Chantale, you feel that either way, forgiveness or not, you will still be in pain?
Well, I would start by asking that you remember the rest of that story.
Forgiveness is transformative.
Forgiveness will transform you. It will transform the people around you and there is no greater gift than the gift of forgiveness, no greater gift than to show grace and mercy to someone even when they don’t deserve it.
It was, after all, one of the last things Jesus did on the cross before he died. He asked his father to forgive the very people who were murdering him.
Don’t ever feel guilty for feeling pain, for feeling hurt. Jesus felt pain. Jesus was hurt.
But remember too that forgiveness is freeing. It frees yourself and frees those who hurt you and that was why Christ came to earth, to free us from the bonds of sin and death and pain and revenge that keep us from him.
And honestly, I still have problems forgiving others, but the key is to never stop trying, to never stop asking God for help.
He does work miracles.
