And then, despite my earlier denial, the tread ripped off the tire and I found myself on the side of the highway, my Road Ranger angel only seconds behind me.
Yesterday, I took my car in to get two new tires and while I was there, I asked them to take a look at my brakes too. An hour later, the mechanic came back to get me.
“Can I show you something?” he said.
I followed him back to the garage where they were working on my car. The mechanic held something up for me to look at. “See this?” he said. “This is a brake pad. See how it has a pad?” He motioned me to look at my own car. “See how you don’t have one? That’s metal on metal.”
“That would explain the burning smell,” I told him, trying to smile even though I felt like crying at the thought of spending more money.
An hour later, I was back on the road and it felt wonderful. The shimmying and shaking was gone from the back end. It felt like driving on a cloud. And when I braked, it didn’t sound like the world was coming to end or smell like the fires of Hell were about to open up under me.
Just the other night at Alpha, I was telling people how when I do what God wants me to do everything is beautifully and gloriously smooth. It’s only when I’m on the wrong path that things seem horribly discordant. Sort of like driving on a bad tire and thinking I can find the groove even as the vibrations are causing enough friction to rip the tire apart.
Two nights ago, I should have pulled over. I should have turned around. I was so determined to get to class, I sacrificed my own safety and were it not for God’s watchful presence, I don’t know what might have happened. I’m still amazed my tread could rip off going 70 mph and I never lost control of the car. That’s crazy. It was almost disastrous.
I think back to this summer when I kept trying to get my air conditioning fixed and every time I tried, something horrible happened, increasing in horribleness each time I tried, until finally I said, “Stop.”
Now the air conditioning still isn’t fixed, but once I stopped trying to fix it, it was like this weight had been lifted from me. I can’t know God’s plan here totally except to suspect that the money I would have spent fixing the air is going to be needed elsewhere.
Over the past few months I have been driving on bad tires both literally and figuratively, figuratively in the sense that even though I knew I didn’t have the energy to teach, go to school and attend church during the week as I had been, I kept going—until I blew that figurative tire and wound up in the hospital.
I thought I could find a groove. For a while, I considered giving up one of the three, teaching, school or church when the answer was actually more subtle and simple.
I had known for a few weeks that the back tire was bad. I should have fixed it.
And I had known for the past few years that my health was bad. I should have fixed it sooner.
Now that I have the time off, I hope to heal in such a way that my life becomes as smooth as my car ride is currently.
What things are you wrestling with in your own life? What things do you need to let go of? What things do you need to fix? Stop trying to find grooves and take a step back. Grooves are small and thin and require a lot of energy to maintain. Paths, on the other hand, are wide and clearly marked.
Take a step back and find the path, not the groove.
